Najhanne Buat Asum
“Omar!”
“Omar!”
The muffled shouts of my name pulled me from my earphones. I glanced out the window to see my older sister, Kaka Jam, calling for me.
“Go fishing with Abi,” she yelled, pointing towards the lake where Abi was busy preparing the bangca under the scorching sun.
“But I’m doing something!” I yelled back, about to plug in my earphones, when I saw her throw down the basket she was holding.
“What’s wrong with you? You never go out to the lake anymore!”
I ignored her. What does she mean, what’s wrong with me? I guess I’ve just grown. I’m no longer interested in going to the lake to catch fish with Abi like I used to when I was a kid. Now, I’m chasing something bigger, something better than the fish in the lake. I want to become a well-known actor in Manila.
An hour later, I paused the video when a notification popped up at the top of my screen. I lifted myself from the bed and hurriedly checked it. Hunched forward, shoulders tight, I held my breath. I hoped.
And just like that, I knew I was one step closer to my dream. My online audition for Starbust Entertainment had been accepted, and I was going to be one of the supporting actors for a new movie. I nodded with certainty, whispering to myself, “Manila, here comes Eli.” I smiled proudly at the thought of finally using the stage name I had created years ago.
With courage, I went out of my room. I prepared with all my might, rehearsing in my head how I would tell Kaka and Abi the news.
“As-salamu alaykum!” I jumped out of my seat when I heard Kaka Jam.
“Wa alaikumu salam! Kaka!” I greeted her excitedly as I guided her to her seat.
She looked at me with eyebrows drawn together, confusion and annoyance clear on her face. “What has gotten into you lately? What is this all about?”
When she was finally seated, I told her about the news.
“Manila!? You are leaving Balindong?” she exclaimed. I had seen it coming, though.
“Kaka, come on,” I pleaded. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! You know how much I dreamed of this, you know how much I wanted this.”
“No. Absolutely not, Omar!” she said with finality.
“But Kaka, you know this is not just about leaving,” I persisted. “It’s chasing my dream! It’s a whole different thing!”
“Leaving is the bottom line here! You are leaving Balindong for Manila!”
I fell silent. I know all this fuss wasn’t because she refused to support me. It was because she was afraid. Afraid that once I left, I would turn my back on them completely and let Manila swallow me whole. My constant plans to move, the dreams I spoke of again and again, and the countless times she caught me searching for places to stay in the city… all of it must have fueled her fear.
Just then, the sound of the front door opening sliced through the heavy silence. It was Abi.
“What’s all the commotion?” he asked, confusion in his voice as he dropped the basket he was holding.
Kaka wasted no time explaining the situation, even exaggerating my desire to abandon everything. I watched Abi nervously, waiting for his verdict. He stood still, eyes fixed on me, studying my face for a long moment. His expression was unreadable, contemplative.
Finally, he spoke.
“Let him go, Jam.”
My jaw dropped. Kaka’s face contorted with disappointment, but she remained silent when she noticed Abi’s seriousness.
“Thank you, Abi!” I exclaimed.
Kaka ignored me the rest of the day. Abi, on the other hand, even helped me with packing. That night, I could barely sleep out of excitement.
The next morning, I practically bounced out of bed. I nearly inhaled my meal, unable to wait to arrive in Manila, where my dreams awaited. An hour later, Abi told me the van had arrived.
When I got to the van after sharing a few words and a hug with Abi, I couldn’t help but look forward to what awaited me. I still couldn’t believe all of this was happening.
I looked out the window as the beautiful Lake Lanao receded into the distance. That’s when I felt a pang of sadness tug at my heart, still hurting at the thought of leaving home, Abi, and Kaka Jam. However, the image of myself acting alongside other actors quickly distracted me and pushed those emotions aside. I shook my head. For now, I should focus on my acting career, on becoming the actor I dreamed of.
Finally landing in Manila, I couldn’t hide my happiness. Now that I had arrived, I had to work my way toward becoming a successful actor.
And I did. Ten months in, the movie I acted in became a major hit, receiving high ratings. I also gained recognition—my Instagram account soared to 300k followers, and offers came from every direction. The movie was certainly the talk of the town.
I should be happy by now, though. I am where I have wanted to be.
But somehow, I never felt accomplished. Like something was constantly missing.
“Eli!”
“Eli!”
I only returned to reality when my manager, James, called me. I had been spacing out again. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt lost, adrift in a place I should have known by now, after ten months.
“Some supporters recognized you earlier. They were calling for you, but you didn’t respond. Are you okay? You’ve been like this lately.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
I knew I had wanted Eli as my stage name, but somehow, lately, the name felt foreign. Hearing it spoken felt like hearing someone else’s name.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom, splashing water on my face in an attempt to wash away the confusion. As I dried my hands, a voice stopped me.
“Omar?”
That name. Just moments ago, I had felt lost, but now, hearing it, I suddenly felt found.
I turned around to see who it was. It was Hassan, a good friend from childhood and also my first cousin.
“Has—” I began, but my manager’s voice called from outside the bathroom.
“Eli! We’re leaving, just waiting for you!”
Disappointment flashed across Hassan’s face.
“Oh! Sorry, I thought you were someone I knew,” he said, starting to walk away.
I stopped him. “It’s me, Hassan! Omar!”
He hesitated, still unsure.
“Saken aya, si Omar.” I added, full of hope that he would finally recognize me.
He smiled, finally recognizing me, and stepped forward for a hug. I felt an unexplainable joy, being seen for who I really was, being called Omar again, speaking my language.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Art exhibition,” he replied. “I painted Lake Lanao. It got accepted for an exhibition.” That explained the malong he was wearing.
“Do you have the time? Let’s go out!” I invited him eagerly.
And so, I excused myself from the team and went out with Hassan. We headed to a nearby coffee shop. At first, we just caught up. He shared about his exhibition, and I told him about my acting career, which he was only learning about now. For someone not into watching series, I understood his surprise.
Later, what started as a normal catching-up session turned into something deeper. I found myself telling him everything I had been feeling lately, about the emptiness, the feeling of being lost, even after reaching the place I had been dreaming of.
“You asked earlier if it’s wrong to chase the dream of acting. I don’t think it is. There’s nothing wrong with aiming to go further with your dreams—”
“Then, if it is not, why am I feeling like this? Why does it make me want to regret even coming here? It doesn’t make any sense.”
He sighed and gave me a reassuring smile. “You know, Omar, most people who feel lost are those who forget to stay rooted in where they come from.”
My brow furrowed. What is he trying to say?
“When was the last time you called home?”
And there, I understood him. I knew what he meant. I had been too busy in Manila to even reach out. I couldn’t remember the last time I called, the last time we shared a conversation. By now, I was afraid and in denial. I didn’t want to admit to myself that maybe Kaka Jam had been right from the beginning, that I had made her fear come true, leaving them entirely as I fully embraced my dream.
“Omar, there’s nothing wrong with going far, with exploring the world. Just stay rooted all the time. That way, you won’t get lost. You can reach for the furthest star, but if you forget where you came from, you’d simply be like a bird simply flying around aimlessly.”
My head kept replaying his words, filled with memories of home and the life of Omar.
The conversation I had with Hassan made me decide to go back home for a while. I knew I had to find myself again, and I could only do that in the place that gave me the identity of who I truly was—Omar, a Meranaw.
When I arrived at our place, I saw the lake from the van’s window. I felt the familiar warmth of home. I recalled what Hassan had told me about how the lake gave us the identity of being Meranaw. Seeing it once again made me feel truly back, not only in Balindong, but also in myself.
As we finally arrived at our place, Abi and Kaka awaited me. Reaching them, Kaka greeted me with a playful smack on the forearm.
“So you still remember your way back here, huh?” she smiled. I replied with a teasing grin.
I looked at Ama, who was smiling. I remembered how he had allowed me to go to Manila so easily, how he had set me out to chase my dream, and now here he was, watching me return with a greater love for my culture and home. Maybe he knew how to make me come back.
“We missed you, son. We’re glad you’re back.”
“I’m glad I’m back, too, Abi.”