Nathara Mugong
People moved slowly around the deck, their faces half-hidden behind cloth or the bend of their arms. Some sat with their luggage clutched between their knees, others leaned against the rails, watching the water slip by. The hum of the engine filled the pauses between voices, low and steady, almost like breathing. Children dozed against their mothers’ sides, and the air carried the faint murmur of prayer, the soft rhythm of waiting. Vendors wove between the passengers, shouting “Bonamine! Bonamine!” a medicine for travel sickness, their calls cutting through the salt and smoke and mixing with the cries of distant seabirds. Everything smelled of salt and smoke and longing, a scent familiar to anyone who had ever left home by sea.
I remembered that same smell from years ago, when the world felt larger and every crossing endless. Back then, each island on the horizon seemed like a promise, every voyage a small beginning. Now the scent reminded me only of what time had carried away: faces that faded at each port, words that never reached their shore. Still, the sea kept moving, steady and indifferent, as if memory itself were part of its tide.
We were bound for Sambuwangan, but the direct routes were already fully booked, forcing us onto the Kappar Hapit-Hapit—a ship hopping from island to island: Tawi-Tawi, Siasi, Jolo, and finally, the city. It felt less like a vacation and more like a breathless passage through the shifting waters of the Sulu Sea.
I was small enough that the crowd rose around me like a forest of legs, the engine rumbling in my head without pause. But my world was safe, enclosed by the strong presence of Inah and Mmah. This was the miracle: the three of us, together, making the same impossible journey. It had never happened before, and in my heart, I knew it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
We would often reach a new place as the dark lifted. We saw the islands not under the harsh glare of noon, but in the soft, first light of dawn. The stops always felt like quiet arrivals, the sky bleeding gold over the unfamiliar docks.
But the anxiety always came with the morning. With a sudden thud and the rasp of ropes, the ship came to rest against the dock. That was the maghapit-hapit—the brief, uneasy stop that every traveler on these routes knew too well.
“Palobbos kitabi,” Inah said, her voice a low rumble above the chaos.
Stepping onto the temporary docks of Siasi and Jolo was like entering unknown territory. The instant we left the ship’s railing, a cold, tight knot of panic settled beneath my ribs.
The dock was a whirl of strangers, cargo, and shouting.
What if the ship leaves while I turn my head?
What if it pulls away?
What if the crowd swallows me whole and the anchor rises, cutting the one tie we had to safety?
My eyes were glued to the kappar. It was the only constant I recognized. I checked it, then I checked Mmah.
I didn’t just hold his hand, I locked my small fingers around his wrist. “Mmah, don’t let it go. Don’t let me get lost.” I whispered.
He stopped right there, on the strange soil of a place that felt both alive and watching. He didn’t hurry me or laugh. He simply turned.
“Daa kow talow,” he said gently. “Look at the ship. It is still here. Look at Inah. She is still here. And I am right here. I will not let you go.”
He didn’t rush the moment. He waited until the knot in my chest loosened, until the scent of the sea breeze and the noise of strange voices became mere background hum again.
In Jolo, we passed rows of small stalls. The pier buzzed with vendors calling out their wares—grilled fish, rice, and bulawan that caught Inah’s gaze. She bought a chicken barbecue wrapped in plastic, and we ate it later, somewhere between islands.
On the tricycle ride through town, the streets were nearly empty, the morning washed in gray. The buildings looked tired, the air still. Inah told me stories of her student days, how they would cross the jambatan to fetch letters and allowance, how Jolo once felt alive with voices she could still name.
We stopped by one of her old friend’s house, though no one she knew remained. Still, the family there welcomed us in. They let us bathe, offered food, and for a while, it felt like we belonged. Inah then told me it was brave of her to bring me here, to a place where we no longer knew anyone. But we were safe, and that was enough. She looked around and whispered how much Jolo had changed since her last visit.
In Siasi, a familiar boy appeared at the port, guiding us through the small market that welcomed our arrival. From there, we made our way to my uncle’s house. It was a simple place of bamboo and warmth. I still remember the smell of pandisal, manggis, and buwahan laid out in abundance, as if the place itself was offering us rest.
Jolo and Siasi were so different, it was almost unreal that we had been there at all. We climbed back onto the kappar just as the final whistle pierced the air, and the sea carried us onward.
By the time we reached Sambuwangan, the noise that once clawed at the ears had softened into release—arrival, at last, sounding like peace.
But the real treasure wasn’t the destination. It was the knowledge that for that singular, anxious, beautiful voyage, every time I stepped off the boat, I knew, with absolute certainty, I would be led back.
And now, as time moves on and distances grow vast, I realize I succeeded in freezing that time. The fear of being left behind had dissolved, replaced by the stillness of memory: the three of us, together against the sea and the unfamiliar.
“Toot! Toot!” Then came the low, mournful call of a ship’s horn. It was no longer a final whistle, but a sound too real, too loud to be only memory.
My eyes snap open.
I am not on a ship deck. I am on a weathered wooden swing at Lantaka Hotel, the sea just beyond, and I am alone.
The Kappar Hapit-Hapit was never a ship. It was never a real journey; only a dream I kept afloat.
It was the beautiful, frantic chain of islands I had built in my mind, a looping memory I clung to, endlessly recreating that voyage. I kept reliving it because the truth is too heavy to bear: I am the one lost at sea, still waiting to be led back.
The Kappar Hapit-Hapit was just the imaginary way home.

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